just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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