I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you have feelings for this penis?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize