I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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