Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
