Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
