I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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