Yo dont text me then not text me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
