When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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