I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
