Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
