Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
