Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize