There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Randomize
