I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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