nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
