last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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