I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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