you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
