This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Found your dick twin last night
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
