Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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