how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
