the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
They are going to name an STD after you.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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