oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize