anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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