I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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