I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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