i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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