I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
