I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
