I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
