when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
