im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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