Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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