Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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