Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
