she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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