They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
