sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
