Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
