the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
