is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You can't motorboat a personality
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
