my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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