I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
