mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
