so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Found your dick twin last night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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