I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize