how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
