I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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