I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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