he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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