If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
