why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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