I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
