I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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