Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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