this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
