I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
