So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
