Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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