Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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