oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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