So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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