I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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