Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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