in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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