Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
