They should really pass out barf bags in church
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
