HIV tests are more positive than that guy
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
