Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
