Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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