Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
